I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
