I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
