so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
