my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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