4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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