she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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