Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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