Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
