I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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