You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
