First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize