dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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