Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize