Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
