just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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