The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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