Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
