I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
