My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
