we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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