and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
