I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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