Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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