everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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