So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
