somebody snuck up and got me drunk
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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