Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
