I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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