mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i don't like sucking hair
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
