i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
