I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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