My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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