Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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