How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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