he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize