Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
