I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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