just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
