well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize