Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
