he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
