does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
