I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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