some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize