I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
