Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
