i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just threw up on my dentist
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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