Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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