i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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