We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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