The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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