If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
