Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Randomize
