I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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