Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
