When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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