Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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