hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
