On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
