so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize