I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
