he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize